Aaaah Facebook. Lord have mercy. What can I say about it that hasn’t already been said? Well, ya’ll know me well enough to know I’m going to come up with something. Facebook is truly it’s own entity. So much so, your computer will autocorrect it with a capital “F”. I am relatively new to the Facebook world, but I have learned a whole heap in that short amount of time. I’ve compiled a list of 23 random things I have learned about Facebook including my personal do’s and don’ts and even a few unanswered questions. I’m on a list writing kick. Enjoy.
1 . Clever camera angles, filters, and photoshop have made the reality of actually meeting your Facebook friend in person a real shocker. Shoot, they got this app now that gives you a tan, bigger boobs, whiter teeth….. that joker will photoshop your nose clean off your face. Sometimes I think Facebook pictures are sorta like the cover of Vogue, but for ordinary plain people. It’s all touched up and fake, and a far cry from real.
2. Any time I run into a Facebook friend, their entire name pops up in my head. “Oh look! There is Maryanne Brophy James!”
3. I don’t know how I ever made it all these years without knowing what color I was in a past life, who my celebrity husband would be, what my celtic name is, or what kind of cupcake I would be if I were a cupcake. Thank the good Lord I can take a quiz on Facebook that will tell me. Thank you Lord.
4. Some people are really offended by game requests. Do not under any circumstances send these people game requests. They literally do not play.
5. Plexus people are passionate. Why wouldn’t they be? That stuff cures everything. BUT it is not for weight loss. I repeat Plexus is not for weight loss.
6. Just say no to tagging yourself at the emergency room and making a vague post like “dying” and freaking the crap out of everyone.
7. Speaking of dying, let’s not announce on Facebook folks dying unless your an immediate family member. That’s no way to find out your loved one is gone.
8. Look, I understand learning got a bad rap back in high school, but as it turns out, those teachers may have been on to something. Punctuation is important. Periods and commas matter. It is true. I’m not saying you have to get buck wild with the mysterious and elusive semicolon, but when you write an entire paragraph with out the first period or comma it is super hard to read you. Literally.
9. I stayed away from Facebook for many years because I heard about all the “Facebook drama.” That and the fact that when Facebook first came out, like a jillion people left their spouses for reunited past lovers, but that’s another blog I think. Any who, soon after my first few friend regrets, I found a little nugget of gold called the unfollow button. It was a game changer for me. Any joy snatchers or hot heads got cut. I have a rule. If I wouldn’t have you over for dinner at my house, then I probably do not follow you on my feed. My feed is mine. It is kinda intimate. When I Facebook, I want it to be a pleasure, not run my blood pressure through the dang roof.
10. You shouldn’t post pictures of dead babies. There are a whole bunch of reasons why, none of which I will write about.
11. Am I the only one that reads passive aggressive posts that are completely unrelated to me, and feel absolutely guilty and paranoid?
12. What the heck does it mean to get poked?
13. I have noticed that every now and again, everyone starts nutting up and posting a privacy legal notice to their page…. You know, like they are copyrighting there Facebook stuff with a chain letter full of legal jargon. I’m still not sure what that is about but my gut tells me that won’t hold up in court.
14. Facebook is an amazing tool to spread The Word. Nothing makes my morning like a cup of coffee and scrolling down to find an awesome devotion or bible scripture. Posts for prayer, praises, and thanksgiving are light in the darkness. Think of all of the people that are reached!
15. I love feeling so close to people that I love dearly, but rarely get to see. My favorite? PICTURES!
16. Don’t make posts that you will be away on vacation for 2 weeks. Someone will probably rob the crap out of you.
17. It’s not super awesome to posts pictures of you and your kids, with the main focus being your 24 inches of cleavage and your puckered lips. Nobody’s looking at those poor kids. Ewe. Just don’t.
18. Even though we are strangers, if I have become friends with you on Facebook, and follow you in my feed, I’m going to hug you when I meet you in real life. Like, a big ol’ bear hug right in the middle of the movie theater. Just ask Nan Hammonds Suppes. (See how I used her whole name?) You know what was even more awesome? She was coming at me with her arms wide open too. You really get to know and love people on Facebook that you’ve never met. It’s pretty much beautiful.
19. If we are Facebook friends and I don’t speak to you in public it is because I don’t recognize you. See number 1.
20. I’m not against sharing Facebook with your spouse, if that’s what floats your boat, but it certainly is not for me. I don’t care that much about seeing tons hunting and fishing pictures no more than Jon wants to see pictures of ombre’ hair and goofy memes of dog shaming. (Which by the way make me laugh till I pee.) Even still, we manage to have a pretty amazing marriage.
21. Rants only make the ranter feel better. It makes everyone else feel pretty crappy. Especially the ones ranting about how mad you are over something your friends posted. Um… We can hear you. Rule of thumb, If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face don’t type it.
22. I’m confused over political rants beginning with “wake up people!” Listen I’m raising children in this crazy day and age. Trust me. I’m awake. What exactly would you have me do other than vote and pray? Run my car into the capital?
23. I was devastated when I learned on Facebook that Willie Nelson was dead. That was the day I learned you can’t believe what you read on Facebook. Not long after I read Denzel Washington was killed in a skiing accident. Fool me once Facebook…..
What I have learned is that Facebook is what you make it. If it is making you angry, sad, or frustrated, you’re doing it wrong. You are in control, so you make sure you show Facebook who’s the boss.