The One About Tattoos + Big News.
Imagine if you will, an average trip to the Walmarts, my three children in tow. If you are a mother, I don’t have to go into great detail how this trip has gone, you already know. If your not a mother, picture Hell in the form of a store and that should be pretty close to what it is like. I’m standing in line frantically slinging groceries onto the sticky conveyer belt at the checkout. I have hair stuck between my teeth, my boobs, and my toes from a hard days work. Suddenly I hear “Hey. I like em tattoos you got there.” I turn around to find a large man with a large friendly smile. He has a toddler slung over his shoulder. She’s wearing only a diaper and has some serious Winn Dixie Feet. (I’m assuming ya’ll know what Winn Dixie feet are.) She is giggling through clinched teeth that hold a bottle full of flat Coke. I finish slinging my 20 pack of Cokes toward the cashier and respond politely. “Well thank you. I appreciate the compliment.” The man’s smile gets even bigger and it is clear that he is eager to show me something. Sure enough, up comes his shirt. “I got a tattoo of my baby girl right here on my belly!” Mason calmly reaches around Jesse and Alyson covering their eyes from anything else he may have tattooed that he wants to share. Mason has seen this play out before. I’m smiling as I squint my eyes and move in closer for a better look. The friendly man stretches out the skin of his belly and…. yep! There staring back at me is little baby Winn Dixie feet! “Oh that is great!” I say, and our cashier pipes in. “I got a lotus flower and a butterfly on my hip” She begins to struggle with her khaki pants in an effort to shimmy them down. Mason’s hands are still slapped over Jesse and Alyson’s eyes and his own eyes are now squinted shut, but one eye is barely cracked open. She continues on as she exposes colored flesh. “My boyfriend has a tattoo gun back at the house if you ever want any work done.” The big, jolly man behind me has now taken over the conversation and he has pulled his socks and shoes off to show me the sparrows on the tops of his feet. Jesse and Alyson are spitting and screaming “Let me go, Mason”, and I realize I’m standing there silent, in a daze. It occurs to me I should really write a tattoo blog and I begin writing it right then and there in my mind, as all of this goes on around me.
First, I have to disappoint ya’ll. I got saved when I was a little girl and my testimony is somewhat boring. Don’t get me wrong I’m no saint. I indulged in your basic wild teenage, backslider shenanigans. I have pictures to prove it, though I sincerely hope they never make it to the internet. But the consensus is, I’m a recovered drug addict, and a biker chick, who got all tatted up in jail. Why else would I be covered in tattoos, right? Well, thanks to my sweet Jesus, I’ve never experienced drug addiction. The only time I’ve been to jail was to do bible study with the female inmates. I hate riding motorcycles because they are dangerous, and I don’t like wearing a helmet because it messes up my hair. Here’s the boring truth… I got them because I think they are pretty. I saw a picture of a heavily tattooed woman in a circus when I was in the 5th grade. I decided right then and there that she was awesome and I was going to get me a bunch of tattoos like her. And I did. Rebel without a clue. Get it? Well, I hope ya’ll aren’t too let down.
I’m going to let you in on 15 tattoo secrets and I even threw in some really personal ones for you nosey rosies.
1. For the most part, tattooed people think their own tattoos are awesome, and everyone else’s tattoos are kinda dumb. I’m not exactly sure why, but I think it is because tattoos are so personal.
2. Thanks to reality TV, people think that all tattoos have some kind of deep meaning. Well, some of mine do, but most of them don’t. I have a candy corn tattoo. It doesn’t mean anything. Candy corn is just freaking awesome.
3. I’m never going to debate with anyone whether tattoos are “right” or “wrong”. That is between you and the Lord. Your road is not my road. If you feel like it is wrong for you to get tattooed, DON’T GET TATTOOED. There’s a reason why the Holy Spirit is telling you not to. You may hinder work that God has for you.
4. Getting tattooed hurts. I’m baffled when I hear tattooed people say that they don’t hurt. They are lying. Them jokers hurt.
5. I don’t think I will ever be “finished” getting tattooed. There will always be something else. Unless of course I run out of real estate.
6. I have some really good tattoos and I have some really crappy ones. I love them all and would never have them removed or covered up.
7. I wish I would have kept up with how much money I have invested in my tattoos. People ask me all the time and I honestly have no idea. A lot.
8. I don’t do so good when I get shots. When I start coming to, I can see the nurses staring with blank expressions through my blurry vision and I hear them talking through the ringing in my ears. “How in the world can someone with all these tattoos pass out over a dang shot?” I don’t really have the answer to that. My ridiculousness knows no boundaries.
9. My chest has a high heeled shoe, a tube of lipstick, a pocketbook, and a diamond ring, all surrounded in purple flames. Now you know. Quit staring.
10. Which one hurt the most? My throat, for sure. It says “family.” That is the only tattoo I will ever have on my throat. Ever.
11. My favorite tattoos are Jon and the kids signatures.
12. Speaking of Jon, I have a bunch of Jon tattoos. We also have a few matching ones.
13. When I get to heaven I’m leaving my old tattooed body behind, and I’m going to get me a brand new body. It’s going to be so perfect and wonderful I won’t feel compelled to decorate it.
14. Let me breakdown Disney Character and cartoon Tattoos. If you were tattooed in the 80’s you have the Tazmanian Devil or Tweety Bird. If you were Tattooed in the late 90’s you got Tinkerbell or Winnie the Pooh. If you are a Millennial you straight up got an outline of Mufasa. (You also got that idea from Pinterest.) I will bet 100 dollars that the upcoming tattoo seekers will get Olaf.
15. I have 2 reoccurring nightmares. One is that all my teeth fall out, and the other is all my tattoos are gone.
I love people. I love talking to people. I love the crazy conversations that get started in the checkout line at the grocery store that are always sparked by my tattoos. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Oh, and about the big friendly guy with the baby that had Winn Dixie feet? I ain’t making fun. I’m straight outta Rockmart, ya’ll. You better believe my kids have ran through the grocery store with no shoes and a bottle full of flat coke. Every morning I take my kids to school in my pajamas and bare feet, and they are the prettiest tattooed bare feet you have ever seen. That’s my favorite part of being tattooed. They make me approachable and a relatable. My other favorite part of being tattooed is they make me look freaking awesome. So there’s that.
Oh, wait I almost forgot! My big announcement…. drumroll please….. You’re little tattooed, blogging friend is going to be the emcee for the Jason Crabb, Jamie-Grace, Haley Morgan Smith, and Morgan Harper Nichols concert for Collier’s Cause. Get your tickets at www.collierscause.com. I promise you it will be an awesome time!!! I hope I don’t nut up and just stand there holding the mic without a thing to say….you know….crickets…. If you know me personally, then you know this is a little outside my comfort zone, so we have inlisted a true professional to help me. He is a television personality and hunting extroidainaire, none other, than the insanely handsome, and incredibly talented….Mr. Jon Justice will be my cohost.
Ya’ll, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.