Carol of the Turkey
Happy Thanksgiving-eve! Today is the day I will scrub clean, reorganize, decorate, steam, and polish my way into total insanity in an effort to convince my family I have my life together. I’ve been thinking about something. We need Thanksgiving carols. I took it upon myself to write a few. I think you will find that I have discovered I have quite a gift. It turns out I am a lyrical genius.
Watergate Salad (*Sing to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Dashing through Walmart,
with a bad wheel on my cart,
searching for jello,
and mini marshmallows,
I’m not a good cook,
one recipe in my book,
it’s fluffy and green and deliciously supreme,
and it’s the best on Thanksgiving!
OH! Watergate, Watergate, Watergate Salad!
Oh what fun it is to make Watergate Salad!
Watergate, Watergate, Watergate Salad!
I can not bake, forget a cake
I’m making Watergate Salad.
Tryptophan (*Sing to the tune of Silver Bells)
I love turkey, big fat turkey
with some cranberry sauce,
and with gravy and dressing made by Momma.
I ate turkey, so much turkey,
now I just want to sleep
what the heck is this happening to me?
It’s the stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy,
Soon I’ll be drooling on my couch.
I Wish you a Happy Thanksgiving (*Sing to the tune of We Wish You a Merry Christmas)
I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving,
and I have advice for you.
Don’t leave your family to go to Walmarts, and put down your freaking phone you look like an ungrateful jackleg.
What Cousin is this? (*Sing to the tune of What Child is This)
What cousin is this, who showed up at
my house for Thanksgiving dinner?
He ate our food, he’s loud and rude,
I swear, I think he’s a stranger.
This, this is my 6th cousin
twice removed on my mother’s side,
He’s gone thru our medicine cabinet
and asked how much we have in our bank account
this cousin, this cousin we don’t recognize.
Perfect Thanksgiving (*Sing to the tune of White Christmas)
I’m dreaming of a perfect Thanksgiving,
just like I see on Pinterest.
Where there is no crying
over turkey juice frying
all over the bottom of my oven.
I’m dreaming of a perfect Thanksgiving
one where my house isn’t full of black smoke
may your family not get up a fight
and may all your Thanksgivings be bright.
I can just picture you and your family making these songs a part of your Thanksgiving traditions, and I’m just going to sit back and wait for the royalties to come bank rolling in.
Be Thankful, y’all.
*Sing to the tune of means use your freaking imagination and do the best you can. Geez y’all, I can’t be funny, and cute, and a terrific song writer. It just wouldn’t be fair.