Gone Too Far.
I love pop culture.
As an 80’s kid, I was so cute with my curled and teased bangs. We didn’t have an air conditioner on the school bus so we rode with all of the windows down. I cupped both hands over my bangs to protect them, lest they break on the ride to school. Gnarly. I wore big loose neon shirts with a plastic ring that cinched the corner of my shirt to my waist, and ripped blue jeans with the bottoms tight rolled. I had twister beads around my neck to match my color scheme. The strands of beads twisted together and connected with a big, gaudy, latch. It pulled the little hairs on the back of my neck and made me want to cuss, but all fashion has a price. One of my favorite shoes were my Bass loafers. I wore 2 pair of thick, scrunched socks in fantastic coordinating colors, so my feet looked as if they may bust the seams right out of the leather in my shoes. My other favorite shoes were jelly shoes. I regularly sat on the red bench in elementary school for wearing my jelly shoes on PE days. The red bench was where the bad kids sat in front of the principals office. It was kinda like a time out. I wasn’t a bad kid, but I did love my jelly shoes. Even as a child fashion was a priority above physical fitness, and I hold dearly to that conviction to this very day. I played Pac-Man on my waterbed that was stacked with Cabbage Patch Kids, Carebears, my Puffolump, and my Teddy Rupskin. My parents begrudgingly had to take the batteries out of Teddy. His eyes freaked me out, mostly on account of me being terrified of demon possession. What would make an 8 year old afraid of demon possession? The Exorcist. That’s what. I snuck that VHS jewel from Uncle Tim’s movie stash and spent the next 5 years petrified of being demon possessed. Good times. Speaking of terror beyond rational thought, in the 80’s I was afraid of Dobermans. Why? Because that was the breed everyone told you to be scared of. I sucked on jawbreakers and sucked down Orange Julius. I smelled like Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth. I had a rabbit’s foot keychain on my purse that I now find a little repulsive but maybe that was the prologue of my taxidermy filled life with Jon Justice.
As a 90’s teen, I rocked the curly version of the Rachel haircut. I don’t mean to brag, but in my neck of the woods girls didn’t ask for the Rachel. They asked for the Sondi. They also requested a perm with their cut to achieve the desired result. Schwing!!! I loved my American Eagle flannel shirt. And what about my Jinco jeans? Adorable. I looked as if I had no feet at all, but hiding under yards of denim fabric you would have found me in Doc Martins or Mary Janes. Thanks to Aerosmith, I adorned my first piercing in the 90’s. Peeping out from my ribbed mock turtle neck, nestled a little golden jewel in my navel. I moved on from The Exorcist, to The Blair Witch Project and to be honest there was hardly a comparison. I remember my date hiding his eyes behind his fingers. I barely raised an eyebrow. I felt much more motion sick than scared. To this day, I use The Exorcist as my measuring stick of what’s scary and what’s not. Oh, and speaking of eyebrows….thanks to Beverly Hills 90210 I had like, 4. (Eyebrow hairs that is.) Thanks to my Mama’s beauty shop, I had free access to the waxing pot. Me and Brenda and Donna and Kelly were looking good. Everyone said to be afraid of Rottweilers, so I was. I smelled like Calvin Klein One. I drank Clearly Canadian and tearfully enjoyed War Heads and Tear Jerkers. I enjoyed what is now my favorite generation of R&B off all times…Keith Sweat… Mary J blige… Brian Mcknight… I owned Beanie Babies with tag protectors. I tied up the phone line at my Daddy’s patiently waiting to connect to AOL so I could go into a chatroom. You could hit me up on my pager. If you were clever, you could even make words out of numbers. I often got beeped “Boobless” but the next generation would remedy that.
As a Generation X young adult, not only did I survive Y2K, but the New Millennium brought me a husband, a Hummer, some boobs and some babies. Oh snap! I wore a jumpsuit that said “Juicy” across the butt. The irony of that is not lost to me now. My Nike’s had Shocks and little rocks would get hung up in them. I drank Evian and read Harry Potter. I smelled like Donna Karen Be Delicious. I was afraid of Pitbulls.The 2000’s have brought us pop culture that changes so fast, it is an era unlike any other. I think the cell phone timeline is the best example of this ever increasing in knowledge but ain’t nobody got a lick of freaking sense era. Think about your Motorola flip phone morphing into your Nextel. Beepbeep! (I’m not the friend you wanted on your Nextel speaker.) You traded that Nextel for your Razor. We just couldn’t believe how skinny they were!! Shortly after came the smart Blackberry. That joker had a tiny ball that acted as a mouse. It was the coolest of cool but went out like a dot-com when 2007 brought us….Drumroll…..…the iPhone. Lord have mercy. The iPhone. Basically, I’m thinking Apple even has the lowercase i trademarked. Shoot, even kids and poor people have an iPhone. I got an iPhone, you got an iPhone, all God’s children have an iPhone. I think it’s the iPhone that has sorta sucked the fun out of current day pop culture. Our immediate update on all things trendy has taken fun way too far. You will be delighted that I’ve compiled a list.
7 Things that have gone too far.
Bacon. Who doesn’t love bacon? I know I do, but when you put bacon on your doughnut, it has gone too far. We loved Tab in the 80’s but we didn’t pour it on our cereal. Get a freaking grip people.
Duckface. It is less than delightful for a 40 year old woman to pucker her pout for a selfie, but at least she’s of age to seduce. I’ll never forget the day I saw my 10 year old daughter’s puckered pout on Instagram. I marched right on up to her room and I said “little lady you best suck them d$mn lips back into your face and delete that picture. You are the Lord’s and the only thing them lips need to be doing in a picture is smiling.”
Oreos. What ever happened to good ole black and white, lick the middle, run of the mill Oreo? They are so complicated now. There is thick and thin, and limited edition, and even low calorie. What’s the point? And Lord have mercy at the flavors…Choclate Berry Burst, Candy Corn, Watermelon, and Marshmellow Crispy!? Ewe. Just stop.
Eyebrows. Listen, as earlier stated, I too, have indulged in eyebrow trends. If the 90’s trend was to have a few eyebrows, then the 2016 eyebrow is the absolute opposite. On fleek eyebrows. Go ahead. Google it. It’s horrifying. What if it rains? What if you sweat? I’ll tell you what. It’s bye felicia, because nobody, I mean nobody grows eyebrows like that. I’d say eyebrows are now 2 inches and 3 shades too far.
Clowns. I really would love to take this opportunity to use this platform to scream at people to grow up. A clown is some loser in a wig and some makeup. Calm down. I can’t though because I would throw myself off a 4 story ledge or run through a glass door to get away from a frog. A FROG. Frogs don’t even chase you with knives. So okay. I get it. Clowns can be terrifying. Do let me say this. Don’t try to hurt a clown unless he tries to hurt you. More than likely behind that makeup or mask is a pimple faced kid hoping to go viral. Clown trying to hurt or kill you=Shoot, punch, kick, ect. Clown standing and staring looking all creepy=take a picture and put it on the internet, then move on with your life.
Promposals. I mean if you get asked to the prom with fireworks, and a mariachi band, and 24 dozen roses, and a unicorn, where do you go from there? Shoot, Jon just got down on one knee on our deal and it was for life. I’m not so sure about that kind of pressure for my sons. How about I raise my boys with honor and manners and integrity, so that they know how to treat a woman all the time. They can look you in the eye and be upfront on all matters including asking you to the prom straight up. If that is not good enough than you can kiss my skinny tail end.
Presidential candidates. When we were kids our parents taught us we could be anything we want. Anything. Well, let me be the first one to tell you that just ain’t so. If you are four foot three, you are not going to be a NBA basket ball star. If you are not smart, you are not going to be a rocket scientist. If you are morally corrupt, narcissistic, or a compulsive liar, you are not going to be president. Oh wait…..maybe you will. Friends, that has gone toooooooooooo far.
Maybe I’m getting older and I just need a nap, but I think maybe we would have fun again if we put our phones down more often.
The end. I got stuff to do.